*THE FOLLOWING BELOW IS NOT WRITTEN BY THE ROYAL HALF,
BUT RATHER PUMPERNICHOLL, OUR MASTER RECAPPER*
KINGS 2, SHARKS 0
Round 2 already? That was fast.
Sorry, I'm not used to the quick turnaround. Last year the Los Angeles Kings gave fans a couple of weeks off between games so my internal clock is all screwed up. Good thing I have my Game 1 tickets to the Honda Center!
Wait, what? The Ducks lost to the No. 7 seed? But their superstars just signed two of the biggest contracts in the league. And they were up 3-2 in the series. And they had home-ice in Game 7. They really lost?!?
Huh. Well then, let's recap which teams are playing real quick:
Fuck you sharks fuck Canucks fuck hockey fuck everything twitter.com/KesLeRoy/statu…— Wayne (@KesLeRoy) May 6, 2013
Canucks fans can't even get drunk right.
But I guess that means the Sharks won.
Fucking shit cunt asshole titties whore pussy licking twat gobbler @stlouisblues fall to the defending champions LA Kings in 6.— Jesse Magdanz (@JesseMagdanz) May 11, 2013
Appreciate the clarity!
So it's Kings-Sharks again, eh?
Well this should be fun! I mean, the Kings nearly took out the Sharks two years ago despite not having Anze Kopitar or Mike Richards in the lineup. Factor in Jarret Stoll's Game 2 suspension from that series and you'll see the Kings won that game against the Sharks full roster even though they dressed top-flight centers Michal Handzus, Brad Richardson and Trevor Lewis. No, seriously. Those weren't just some random players, they were the Kings ONLY three centers dressed for that game. And the Kings won 4-0.
Plus the Sharks haven't played an NHL-calibre team since April 27, so...
Kings in 5.
PREGAME:
I was too excited at the time to tweet about it; fuck yeah sharks gonna sweep the playoffs #sharkssharkssharkssharkssharkssharkssharkssharks— donny donny (@donavonX) May 8, 2013
About that...
LA KINGS? GARBAGE THEY WON ON A FLUKE. SHARKS? CHOKE ARTISTS YO. RED WINGS? FUCK THOSE RUSSIANS. BLACKHAWKS? CANT HOLD PHANEUF'S NUTS.— Chalupa Batman (@zanners) May 13, 2013
Chalupa Batman is not a fan of the Western Conference.
Fuck you have got to be kidding me!!! Sharks will fucking sweep the kings before I'm back home from… instagram.com/p/ZR5aynOQvc/— jesvicious77 (@jesvicious77) May 14, 2013
You're getting all worked up for no reason.
— Brooke Pinkston (@BrookeTaylom) May 13, 2013
CAPITAL LETTERS. HASHTAGS.
@kevinkwits I fucked with them for so long until everyone got on their dick. Fuck the kings now. #norepeat— Sal (@iSxCi) May 14, 2013
Those Buffalo hipsters sure do hate cheering for a winning team.
@beingbrian fuck yo kings. SHARKS SHARKS SHARKS #GOSHARKS— Oscar Segoviano (@Doscar) May 14, 2013
GOSH ARKS
Because fuck whoever made this and fuck the kings #forever #theycouldonlywish twitter.com/SoCalPeachh/st…— Erin (@SoCalPeachh) May 14, 2013
HEY NOW! N-O-T COOL!
But nice of the Ducks to invite all 17 fans in attendance down to the glass.
just ordered my tickets for the sharks game tonight!!! Fuck the kings!— adam vanderloop (@Vander_Loop20) May 14, 2013
FUCK! I want to go too a sharks kings playoff game so bad but they play the same time as the warriors do today and on Thursday..— mrjt93 (@mrjt93) May 14, 2013
NorCal problems, apparently.
FUCK THE GOD DAMN KINGS BC THE SHARKS ARE GOING TO SWEEP THE FUCKING KINGS LIKE THEY SWEPT THE GOD DAMN CANUCKS, FUCK KINGS FANS— ✞ promote hate ✞ (@TYLRTheCremator) May 14, 2013
TLYR MAD. TYLR SWEAR.
We'll check in with him again shortly.
Fuck work I'm missing the Kings game tonight. My brother better record that shit— Greg Allen (@GregTheTruth78) May 15, 2013
Kings fans, everyone!
Tbh the Sharks are better but I mean I've liked the Kings longer, and HOLY TITTY FUCK DICK I DONT LIKE THESE CONFLICTING FEELINGS ON HOCKEY— ROSHANDA (@Lauren2argueta) May 15, 2013
...
Let's just start this already.
FIRST PERIOD:
The #Kings have Cartman, you don't fuck with Cartman. #gokingsgo— Justin Cruz (@jmart814) May 15, 2013
Jonathan Quick is stupid on fire right now -.- fuck you LA— Raul Cruz Castañeda (@Rahooligan_) May 15, 2013
How the fuck did that not go in, Jonathan Quick?— N (@Landes_Calder) May 15, 2013
I love how surprised Sharks fans get.
LA KINGS YOU FUCKERS AREN'T WORTHY OF PLAYING MACKLEMORE IN YOUR ARENA SUCK MY DICK— Paulina Sotelo. (@linatelo) May 15, 2013
Macklemore would totally agree with you right now.
VOYNOV FUCK YEA #GOOOOAAAALLLLL— RAD RICHARD DICK DAG (@RichSWAGostino) May 15, 2013
Fuck you Slava Voynov #Shit— Mike Powers (@Mike_Powers18) May 15, 2013
Fuck you voynov you russian cunt— S Semler (@baconegg888) May 15, 2013
Fuck LA. Their organist started the Niemi taunt. So unsportsmanlike #BeatLA— Melissa Bowling (@anthem_girl55) May 15, 2013
Voynov scored? Well I guess that was the game-winning goal then.— PumperNicholl (@PumperNicholl) May 15, 2013
*shameless promotion*
SECOND PERIOD:
“Voynov rips it, 1-0 Kings” @bertly83 fuck you sir, fuck you!— Rob Waddington (@Waddingly3) May 15, 2013
Hey now!
“They're giving it to Voynov right now but it clearly was re-directed. Richards seemed to maybe touch it” @bertly83 Double fuck you!— Rob Waddington (@Waddingly3) May 15, 2013
Double hey now!
“@delfino_26: “@daddy_andrew27: Who the fuck is this voynov guy” #shitpussiessay” ill kick your ass #98bitch— Andrew vieyra (@Daddy_Andrew27) May 15, 2013
Allow me to introduce you!
Fuck my life, I quit I just quit. Fuck the kings they can lick my asshole fuck fuck fuck. Going to bed pissed— tayner Butz (@tBudz) May 15, 2013
Fuck you voynov, fuck the kings, fuck my math test. Goodnight— Zach (@Cocciardi21) May 15, 2013
Sharks fans are not Voynov fans.
More importantly, what the hell is home ice advantage? RT @pumpernicholl: WHAT THE HELL IS A TWO-GOAL LEAD?!?— Colin Hanks (@ColinHanks) May 15, 2013
That's a great question, The Hanks.
Fuck u faggots "@lakings: Raffi Torres heads to the penalty box, charging. Not the first time you'll hear that. Kings on the #DISCPowerplay.— Alex (@alexgtrrzrulez) May 15, 2013
I FREAKING HATE RAFFI TORRES. dirty fuck.— Kayla Shimasaki (@kaylashima) May 15, 2013
Does anyone else wanna play besides Torres I mean fuck— Andrew D. Gormally(@ADangerGormally) May 15, 2013
Great analysis.
LOL WHAT A BULLSHIT CALL. TORRES BACKED OUT OF 3 PREVIOUS HITS THIS GAME. FUCK YOU REFS. LET EM PLAY.— David J Barclay III (@DjamesIII) May 15, 2013
We'll revisit this at the end.
Just wondering what the fuck y'all are doing out there?! PLAY AS A TEAM. Fools. #letsgosharks #BeatLA— SjR. (@smokahontisxo) May 15, 2013
Doug Wilson may have found his new coach!
THIRD PERIOD:
I hope Slava Voynov trips and falls into pancreatic cancer after this game.Fuck the Kings.— VancouverCantPucks (@GoalmezMyLove) May 15, 2013
Fans are just confused.
Where in god's fuck did slava voynov came from. Wtf is a slava #poffs— Brandyn Di Domenico (@DjDidom) May 15, 2013
If you really want to get to know him that bad...
TRH THREE STARS OF THE NIGHT:
3. Jonathan Quick
Fuck you Jonathan Quick you fag peice of shit.— Zachary Dominguez (@zach_yabish) May 15, 2013
Fuck u jonathan quick i should be 25 bucks richer fucking guy of course stands on his head when i bet against him— john ferone (@ferone10) May 15, 2013
That's a lot of Miller Lites you lost out on.
Fuck Jonathan quick! #ugh— QueeN BaBee (@jael0vee) May 15, 2013
I don't think we'll be seeing Jonathan Bernier. Sorry, Kings fans.
2. San Jose Sharks Fans
ITS ALL GOOD ITS GAME 1 AND THE SHARKS HAVENT PLAYED IN A WEEK ITS ALL GOOD— ✞ promote hate ✞ (@TYLRTheCremator) May 15, 2013
TLYR's BACK! He's less sweepy this time.
fuck the la kings and all you fake dick riding fans that go for them just cause they're from LA.— Lou Manotti (@RYONEM) May 15, 2013
And revisiting this...
Jeret sure looks like he got scrambled.
Not sure what all chaos are about on Torres hit. Thought it was clean. Never thought I'd back him. #NHL will find away to fuck #SJSharks ovr— Nolan (@MLSFAN20) May 15, 2013
@megalodonboc I give a fuck!I will miss those Torres #CrazyEyes if he's suspended.— Drucifer (@drewgill) May 15, 2013
How the fuck is Torres about to get suspended for that hit.— Nate Faraci (@NateFaraci1223) May 15, 2013
@nhlshanahan Witch hunting because his name is Raffi Torres. Stoll put himself in a shit position, head wasn't the target or principle POC.— Peter (@peterlayman) May 15, 2013
Never forget, Sharks fans. And then never forget this either.
1. Slava Voynov
— Protect This Throne (@ProtectThThrone) May 15, 2013
WHOA NOW!
— Eva Marie Alonzo (@EvaMarieAlonzo) May 15, 2013
Oh.
@theroyalhalf SUP?!?! twitter.com/kateyberm/stat…— Katey Berman (@kateyberm) May 15, 2013
SUP, indeed.
PumperNicholl is a lifelong LA Kings fan and actually learned how to speak English from Bob Miller by watching LA Kings games... and the Police Academy movies. You can follow him on Twitter.